brandon.

Losing touch.

with 6 comments

I’m sitting here writing this while my girlfriend sleeps next to me. Outside her and the people I work with, I don’t really have anybody to talk to here. Both of my roommates are co-workers, so from the time I get up, till the time I go to sleep, I’m always with someone from work. It’s really become a drain on me. The only friends I have are my girlfriend, and the two roommates, if I can even call them real friends. My friends from back are slipping further and further away. Every time I leave home, the friends I had in the past seem to become less like friends and more like distant memories. The Brandon of three years ago is long gone, and even the Brandon of two years ago is long gone. Hell, I hardly look like Brandon from one year ago. The only connection I seem to have to home is Facebook, unfortunately. My best friends from home either hardly talk to me, or in one’s case, did something so horrendous that I really don’t feel like talking to him anymore. Needless to say, that my connection to home and the past is slowly dying. What kind of scares me is that if that connection dies, will I really have a connection to anywhere?

I was looking at Phi Tau’s Facebook group earlier and realized that Phi Tau’s not the same group I joined three years ago. Nearly all the guys I were close to are gone, and the new face of the house bears little resemblance to the house I felt like I was a part of. Then I looked at the Facebook group I made for JASS. I never really had much of a connection to that group, and yet I was the President, twice. If I hadn’t met and dated Kayo because of being the president of JASS, I would have to say that I wasn’t close to anyone in that group. In fact I had a lot of disdain for the people involved with it. Then I finally looked at profiles of the people I lived in Japan with. People I used to be so close to seemed like people I hardly even know. After describing all of this, it’s kind of making me feel like nobody stays close to me for very long. It feels like I get a fresh crop of friends on a nearly yearly basis.

The last time I was here in Japan, I had a couple really good friends, and I miss having that. I miss being around other foreigners who already knew a lot about Japan, and I could share my experiences in Japan with someone on the same page as I am. This time, it’s not the case. If you’re reading this and you already have an interest in Japan, I don’t recommend becoming an English like I did just because you want to live in Japan. Being an English teacher, can at times, make you hate this place. It’s a shitty job, and it’s only going to give you a jaded outlook on Japan. I’m trying to fight through the jadedness, but it’s really hard.

This was one of those things that I said I’d never do, and I’m remembering why I said such a thing in the first place. My mom told me once not to say I’d never do something, because you just never know, you just might wind up doing that. So thanks again Mom, you were right. But I couldn’t really see myself anywhere else after college. I loved living here the last time, and I really had no place in the U.S. that I really wanted to be. I guess I kind of idealized my last stay in Japan, or maybe it was because I had been set up really well by the people at the university. But Japan isn’t the way I remember it, and that’s due largely to the fact that instead of being in an academic environment, I’m living life as a babysitter, teaching four-year olds Christmas-related vocabulary to give their mothers 40 minutes to do some shopping at the mall.

While it’s not exactly where I want to be, the benefit to not knowing where you really want to be is that you’re never truly let down about your station in life. At the same time though, you’re not exactly satisfied with it either.

me and the trees

me in the yashiki

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Written by Brandon

November 26, 2006 at 11:39 pm

Posted in Daily Posts, Japan

6 Responses

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  1. Although you didn’t know me for very long before you left, I do feel like you idealized and glamorized your stay from before, and expected that your move would mean the beginning of a glorious new life in a wonderous land where everything would be perfect. That’s how you talked about it, anyway.

    I’m sure you know that half the reason you can’t stay very close with friends from home is because of the sheer time difference. When my best friend Kristin was teaching in Japan for 3 years, we basically had to stop talking altogether because it just became too difficult. She’s home now and we are finally hanging out again and planning all these get-togethers. I’m sure that your friends still care about you, but it’s difficult for most people to be friends only via the internet, and with a time difference at that.

    You feel like you’re shedding your friends every year because you’re making drastic changes in your life every year. If I moved every single year, even if it was only between two places, I would be shedding a lot of friends as well. It’s a natural thing to happen.

    I know it’s always challenging trying to talk to me since you IM me when I’m working, but you know that you can always chat w/ me whenever you need to.

    Jacqui

    November 27, 2006 at 1:36 am

  2. Hey, no country would be much fun to live in with a silly job like that (on the other hand, could you get paid that much back home for those hours?). Try teaching adults or something. I’ve been here 6 years and I wouldn’t last 5 minutes doing what you’re doing – they’re vanity lessons for the mothers.

    nagaijin

    November 27, 2006 at 5:33 pm

  3. I almost feel like I`m a social outcast being in Japan.But,when I started to think of my first good memories here,I started to remember that I still have you as one of my first foreign friends in Japan.Though we never had chance to talk to each other before.just the fact that we took the same class,and I was stuck with the stupidest presentation,I looked at you,when I realized you were almost burst into laugh,whatever…To be honest,I still have you as my friend.Call me or drop me a line or smtg..

    paperjack

    December 5, 2006 at 5:15 pm

  4. Hi. I bet I was probably one of the last people that you’d be thinking about as you wrote this entry…at any rate, I just wanted to say hello. Don’t worry, I’m not stalking or anything crazy…I just had a thought about you today and wanted to see how you were doing. Sorry that you’ve been feeling down and Japan isn’t all that you thought it would be. If for some reason you ever find you want someone to talk to, you know how to find me. We may have lost touch (and for good reason) but years ago we shared everything…

    Christine

    January 9, 2007 at 5:27 am

  5. Having written this four or so months ago, I’ve had some time to think about it, and I’ve realized that I’m okay with losing touch, to some extent. There are plenty of people and things in my life that I’d much rather forget. Ex-girlfriends and friends that have gotten me in trouble as prime examples. So, it’s not so sad to think about losing touch anymore.

    Brandon

    March 30, 2007 at 4:25 pm

  6. Is it weird that your sister added me on Facebook, Christine?

    Brandon

    August 8, 2007 at 12:34 am


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